A Mother's Greatest Fear
by Sara K M
Summary: In the spring of 1945, Maria knows she has a lot to be happy about. The war is almost over, and her children will return home soon. Furthermore, she is delighted to have a new baby in the house. But Maria quickly learns that happiness can be threatened in the blink of an eye when her baby's life is endangered. How will she handle it?


A Mother's Greatest Fear

 **Disclaimer: I don't own** _ **The Sound of Music.**_

 **This story is dedicated to all babies who have died of SIDS, or had near death experiences. Happy Birthday, Kay. I love you.**

"That was a good meal, wasn't it?" Maria von Trapp commented cheerfully as she swallowed the last bite of bean soup. "Especially on such a chilly night." From outside, the wind whipped around the mountains, proving her point.

The rest of her family stared at Maria, as if they wondered if she were telling a joke.

"It was all right I suppose," twelve-year-old Gretl finally replied, like she was forcing herself to say that.

"Do we really have to have yucky beans every night?" five-year-old Rosemary asked, still playing with the soup in her bowl.

Maria sighed. "We don't have beans every night. We were able to purchase a ham for Easter a couple of weeks ago. But as I've told you before, the war makes buying meat difficult. I think we should be grateful we have a nice, warm meal in our stomach's tonight."

Gretl stared at her soup again for a moment. "My teacher says that since President Roosevelt died, the war might last a lot longer. Truman isn't the leader FDR was."

The kitchen was silent for several moments after that. Liesl, Marta, and Gretl took a couple of bites while Rosemary kept stirring her spoon around without bringing it to her mouth. Finally, Georg announced, "But Hitler has committed suicide, and we all know the war won't last much longer without him leading the Nazis. I'm certain we won't need to worry about rationing much longer. But for now, eat your soup, Rosemary," he commanded to his youngest daughter.

Rosemary made a scowl but finally put a bite of bean soup in her mouth. Maria smiled gratefully at her husband. It took her a long time to admit it, but there were times where Georg's no - nonsense discipline toward the children had benefits.

 **"** Marta and Gretl, it's your turn to wash the dishes," Maria announced as everyone finally finished their soup.

The girls nodded and began filling up the sink while everyone else placed their dishes on the counter. "I just can't _wait_ for the war to be over," said Gretl as she began washing.

"Do you think Kurt will be even taller when he comes back than he was when he left?" Marta asked softly as she picked up the cup Gretl had just finished washing

"I'm not sure, Marta," Liesl responded to her younger sister. "But we should see our brothers and all the other soldiers soon enough." Then she disappeared into the sitting room.

"I'm going to look in on Johannes, and then it's time for someone's bath," Maria smiled as she looked right at Rosemary.

"Why do you have to look at the stupid baby?" Rosemary demanded, pounding her little fists as she spoke.

"Now Rosemary, it won't take very long," Maria patted the girl's light brown hair and turned to go upstairs. "You just get ready for your bath."

Without thinking, she began humming to herself. Things were going so well lately. As Georg had said earlier, the war would be over any day now, and like Liesl said, that meant all the soldiers should finally come home. It would be wonderful to see Friedrich at home again. Hopefully Kurt as well, although it was more difficult to tell about the war in the Pacific. And when the soldiers came home, Louisa would return as well, as by then they wouldn't need women working in the factories. And of course, Brigitta was expected to graduate high school with honors this summer. Even better than that, after five years, there was finally another baby in their family. Little Johannes was a joy. At two months old, he was just beginning to make sounds and interact with his family.

Maria continued humming as she entered the master bedroom. The sun was just beginning to set, and it cast a magnificent orange light into the room. The light landed directly on the wooden crib where her precious baby boy laid. A warm quilt covered him, as the weather was still chilly in the evenings in Vermont.

As Maria came closer, she suddenly stopped humming as she looked at Johannes in horror. Her baby's tiny face was an unhealthy blue as his head peaked out of the quilt.

After starring for a second, frozen in place, Maria blindly picked his tiny body up out of the blanket and held him against her chest. Was he breathing? He _had_ to be breathing. "Johannes," she pleaded. She rubbed his back, hoping to comfort him with her touch.

Was he still chilly, perhaps? Maria lifted her blouse and tucked little Johannes inside. Only his blue face and the red fuss on his head could be seen. Suddenly she felt a shallow breathe escape from Johannes's mouth, and she sighed in relief. "That's right, Johannas, I'm here," she told her son, slipping into German without thinking.

As he took a couple tinier breaths, Maria finally exhaled herself. "Good boy, Johannes," she said, still in German. Then she quickly called out, "Georg! Come up here now!"

Georg took far too long to enter the room. "What is it, Maria?" he asked when he finally peaked his head inside.

Maria couldn't believe he wouldn't take this seriously and German words spilled out of her lips again. "Well, if you would come in here fully, you'd notice Johannes still looks a little pale. He was struggling to _breathe_ a few moments ago, if you care."

Georg seemed to leap to where Maria was standing, he walked so fast. "Of course, I care, what kind of question is that? Can I see him?" he held his hands out, asking for Maria to release her baby, who appeared was only safe in her arms.

But Maria looked at Georg's blue eyes, which were pleading as a father and a husband, and she finally nodded. Carefully, she placed Johannes into Georg's strong arms, and he examined his son with his thorough eye. "You are right, he's still rather pale. And although his breathing is steady, it's still too shallow. We should take him to see Doc Miller. It's after hours, but he'll understand that its an emergency."

Maria nodded and smiled gratefully at her husband. He had such a steady head in a crisis. "Yes, of course," she agreed, this time in English.

"And darling," he added gently as he stroked Johannes's back. "Try to clean up a little." He pointed at her chest and she smiled a little, despite the tension. Apparently, her milk had leaked when she was holding their baby, because it was dripping all over the place.

OOOOOOOOOOO

Liesl immediately agreed to watch the younger children while Maria and Georg took Johannes to the doctor. Maria held him against her chest the whole time, feeling every little breath like they were tiny miracles. Soon her breasts began leaking again, but this time Johannes noticed as his mouth searched for a nipple.

She happily fed her son, overjoyed that he seemed hungry once again. All at once, Maria knew everything would be fine. God took care of her son, just as he always took care of her family. Johannes was breathing more and more steadily now, and soon the problem would be fixed once and for all. The doctor would give Johannes some medication. After all, antibiotics were available to the public now.

"He's doing better now, Georg," Maria commented as Johannes finished his snack. "Everything will be all right." She rubbed the baby's back as she attempted to burb him.

Gerog nodded but didn't smile as he pulled the car into the small doctor's office. His face reminded Maria of his "stern Captain look," but she knew it was a mask he used when his emotions were too painful. "Really, Georg," Maria continued, looking into his deep blue eyes where she could see into his soul.

At the same time, Johannes let out a tiny burb. "See?" Maria's smile grew.

OOOOOOOOOO

Doc Miller grumbled a bit about bothering him "after hours" and how "an old man needed to sleep sometimes," but the balding man was a wonderful doctor who would never turn away a patient. Especially when Georg explained what had happened to Johannes.

Doc Miller nodded to both Maria and Georg and examined their son thoroughly. He listened to the baby's heart and lungs. He carefully looked in Johannes's tiny ears and even shone a light into both his eyes, much to Johannes displeasure.

"Well, he can certainly breathe now," Doc Miller commented as the three of them listened to Johannes wail.

"It's all right Johannes," Maria picked up her son to comfort him. Then she stared at the doctor. "But what made him almost stop breathing before?"

Doc Miller sighed and shook his head. "I'm not really certain, Mrs. von Trapp."

"But you have some idea, right? There's something we can that might prevent this from happening again?" said Maria.

Doc Miller looked at the floor. "Medicine has made a lot of progress in the last twenty thirty years, but there are still things we don't know. I'm afraid this is one of them."

Maria stared at her son as his blue eyes looked at her like she could do anything. But how could she do anything when she didn't know what had happened? Maria looked at the doctor and her short temper snapped. "I don't accept that! Give me something to treat my son. Now. Medicine, therapy, or whatever. I don't care."

"I'm sorry," Doc Miller shook his head sadly again.

"You have to do something," Maria almost shouted. "I need to know my son will live."

"I'm sorry," said the doctor.

"Maria," Georg said softly as he leaned into her ear. "The doctor has tried his best. But I think Johannes will be fine. After all, he's got a strong woman for a mother. You saved him the first time, remember."

Maria sighed and nodded as she looked at Johannes, who had fallen asleep in his mother's arms. Could she save Johannes again? She hoped so.

But apparently Doc Miller was no help at all. "Thanks for nothing!" Maria snapped at the man in German as she, Georg, and Johannes went out the door.

OOOOOOOOOOO 

Fear chased Maria all over the house the next day. She watched Johannes's face so closely that she almost burned the breakfast eggs. Would he turn that horrible blue again? She denied Liesl's offer to care for Johannes, even for a few moments. Maria also overlooked Rosemary's constant whining to put the baby down and pick her up instead As Georg had said, Maria had saved her baby the first time, so he wouldn't be safe in anyone else's arms.

Still, no matter how hard Maria tried to protect Johannes, her fears wouldn't disappear. _How many more breathes did Johannes have_? she wondered as she changed his diaper. _Would his warm little body turn cold if he couldn't breathe anymore?_ Maria wondered, pulling him closer to her chest. She always tried to stay optimistic, but how she stop worrying about her son's life?

Finally, late that afternoon, Maria's fears became too much. She had to run. She hadn't felt the compulsion to run away since she married Georg; he had such a steady presence that she knew she could depend. And Maria knew running from her problems was wrong. But the terror she felt for Johannes was far beyond anything that scared her before. Mountains more than the time Baroness Elsa Schaeder confronted Maria about her love for Georg, and Maria had immediately run to the safety of the abbey and the church.

Today, Maria felt compelled to run to the to the church again. Maria ignored Marta's soft, "Where are you going, Mother?" and Rosemary's more vocal complaints about the "stupid baby." Instead, she wrapped Johannes in a blanket and placed him in the stroller. Then they were off.

OOOOOOOOOOO

When Maria entered their little country church with her son in her arms, she instantly felt safer. She didn't even care that the church was full of shadows and had no people there today. It was as if God was surrounding her and Johannes with his love. "Everything will be all right, won't it Lord?" she asked as she stared at the crucifix at the other end of the sanctuary. "I can put Johannes's life in Your hands."

"Aaahhhh," Johannes babbled softly as he stared at his mother with his bright blue eyes.

"You agree, Johannes?" Maria smiled. "You know the Lord will watch over you, don't you?

Johannes stretched his tiny arms in response, and Maria relished how much healthier he appeared today.

Maria walked down the aisle and sat in the first pew with her son still in her arms. Then she began saying the Lord's Prayer out loud.

OOOOOOOOOOOO

Maria had lost count how many times she'd recited the Lord's Prayer, the Hail Mary, and the Apostle's Creed as she sat in the pew that afternoon. She had just begun another addition of the Hail Mary when she suddenly felt someone sit next to her. By the smell of his shaving cream and after - shave, as well as the way he breathed, Maria knew it was Georg. "Hello," she whispered, turning to look at her husband. She loved it when he decided to come to church. The fact that this wasn't Sunday made no difference.

"Maria, you've been gone for almost two hours," he announced. _Two hours_? Maria thought in surprise. Surely it hadn't been that long. "Come home," he commanded.

"No," Maria protested without thinking.

"The rest of the children need you at home. _We_ all need you at home," Georg told her, leaving no room for arguments.

"I need to stay a while longer," Maria insisted as she caressed Johannes's tiny head. She looked at him closely and assured herself his face had not turned blue. Of course, it was safe inside the sanctuary.

"Maria, this is enough!" Georg said so loudly his voice echoed throughout the entire church. "You can't hide in here forever."

Johannes began to fuss at that.

"Shhh, it's all right," Maria told him as she began humming and rocking him back and forth. "See, you what you did, making him upset," she snapped at her husband. "Johannes has already been through too much in the last couple of days. He doesn't need you yelling like that as well."

Johannes wailed even louder and Maria sighed. "I guess I'm not helping, either, am I? She hummed to the baby again.

Georg sighed and took her hand gently into his. "Maria, I _know_ how scary it was when Johannes almost stopped breathing yesterday. I mean, I can barely..." He stopped for a moment, and then continued in a hoarse voice. "But we have three other children to take care of at home, and as responsible as Liesl is, even she can't do everything. They all need a mother."

"But if I lose Johannes, how could I possibly be a mother to any of them? It's safe in the church, Georg," Maria protested, voicing her deepest fears. "The Lord will watch over Johannes here, and I belong with him."

"Haven't you said that God is everywhere, before?" said Georg, squeezing her hand as he spoke.

Maria's heart swelled that he remembered one of the lessons she taught her family about God. Even better, he reminded Maria of that lesson. "Yes, I suppose I have."

"Then God can watch Johannes from home, where you _both_ belong," Georg concluded firmly. With that, he led her out of the dim, empty church.

Maria nodded as she climbed back into the car, after he put the empty stroller in the back. "You're right. God is everywhere, and his presence is felt the strongest among people who love each other. Johannes has a whole family at home to love him. So God, as well as everyone else, will watch over him." She gently rubbed the baby's arm as she said that.

"And so do you, Maria," Georg smiled her as he pulled the car onto the street. "You have a whole family that loves you."

When they arrived home, Maria realized how true that was as Gretl immediately threw herself into Maria's arms and kissed Johannes on the forehead. "I'm so glad you and Johannes are home, Mother," Gretl smiled from ear to ear.

Liesl smiled as she walked out of the kitchen. "Hello, Mother. I've just started making rice and beans for dinner. Could you help?"

"Of course, Liesl," Maria replied, feeling guilty. Georg was correct. What was she thinking, trying to run away again? They all needed her here.

"Are you all right, Mother?" Marta asked softly.

"Yes, Marta." Maria replied as she looked at everyone in the room with love, while they looked back at her with the same expression. "I think I will be." Georg had been right. She and Johannes were surrounded by God's love _and_ their family's love here. Why didn't she realize it before? Their family exploded with love already. And since summer was approaching and the war would end soon, their house would be even more full of love for her and Johannes when Friedrich, Louisa, Kurt, and Brigitta returned home. They all made Maria know she belonged. And as Georg had said, they would all keep their brother safe. "Marta, will you take care of Johannes will I help Liesl with dinner?"

Marta's eyes widened and she nodded. "Yes, Mother. I'll keep him safe."

Somehow Maria found the strength to release her baby into his sister's arms, and then she disappeared into the kitchen. _Lord please don't allow me to run from my family again_ , she prayed as she pulled the rice out of the cupboard.

 **In my head, Maria apologizes to Doc Miller for the comments she made to him in a few days later. But I couldn't find any place to mention that in the story.**

 **Also, I know that a baby surviving an SIDS episode (and not having another one), is a bit unrealistic for the 1940s, but I didn't think I could do a mother's fresh grief about her baby's death justice. But I knew I could write about a mother's fear of a baby's near death experience, based on my own experience with that issue.**

 **I did try to put in enough details to make Johannes survival** _ **possible**_ **, if a bit unrealistic. (Like the fact that he didn't stop breathing completely, and "skin to skin contact" with the mother.)**

 **I hope you'll consider giving a review.**


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